Show
Me A Picture of Rocky Horror...
...and I’ll show you a tale of terror, torment and tight clothing.
By Lew.
Abuse me at - lewww@ivillage.com or lew@looksmart.com.au ...You know I like it...
Disclaimer: Ok, Daria is not my creation, blah, blah, blah - MTV owns it,
her, whatever, so on and so forth.
Thanks: This one goes out to all
those patient people who feature in “Hellmouth in Lawndale”...and would STILL
talk to me after I send this monstrosity out.
And a word to all of those aspiring authors out there...”Beware what lurks
around message boards - someone might just take your offhanded comment and do strange things with it...”
And so, it starts.
(Cue the usual introduction of “Daria”, Splendora wailing away, and our heroine
impassive as ever. As the last chords trail off, the title, “Show Me A Picture
of Rocky Horror” appears in that horribly overdone “blood splattering down a
wall” font, dribbling away until the view fades into the opening shot, a dark
stage...)
(Music: none yet. Scared? You should be.)
(Mr O’Neil walks from off to center stage in that inspiring way of his,
dragging along the cord to the mike that he holds awkwardly. The angle opens up
a bit more, and we can see what is now obviously the LHS auditorium. Quick shot
of the audience who, as usual, look like grain-fed cattle. Close up on O’Neil,
close/quarter/profile shot.)
O’Neil: Ah, hello. (It’s a bad setup and he taps the mike; cue massive
feedback with associated groans from the audience. Daunted, he continues
anyway.)
O’Neil: Ah, as you all know, the scheduled troupe of players (He lingers a little
too long on the word “troupe”.) weren’t quite able to make it here...
(Cut to Daria and Jane, seated together, as always.)
Daria: (Dry.) Travelling unsecured in a bus can do that...
Jane: (Same.) Especially after it crashes off the side of a mountain.
Daria: Right.
(Cut back to O’Neil.)
O’Neil: ...So instead, we’ve managed to secure the talents of a local amateur
group...
(Cut back to Daria and Jane.)
Daria: (Looking unimpressed.) By the prickling of my thumbs...
Jane: (Dryly amused.) Well, I was
going to say, “There is a disturbance in the force, young Skywalker.”
(Cut back again, to Mr O’Neil persevering in the face of rising murmurs and
groans.)
O’Neil: ...Who are going to perform, for us, their version of “A Rocky Horror
Picture Show.”
(Cut to...)
Daria: (Most unimpressed.) The
hell?
Jane: (Nods.) Oooh, yeah.
Something evil, for sure.
(Cut to Brittany, Kevin, Mack and Jodie, placed above Daria and Jane and
some rows back. Kevin slaps Mack’s shoulder.)
Kevin: Coool! You hear that Mack
Daddy? Horror!
(Mack, understandably miffed, says nothing. At the word “horror”, Brittany
squeals and clutches closer to Kevin. Mack and Jodie share a look, then try and
edge further away from the dense duo, but the school’s seating arrangements
have little in the way of maneuvering room.)
O’Neil: So, without further ado...
(Cries from the audience, some recognizable; “I better be paid for this”,
“Get on with it, Skinny!”, “I’d BETTER be paid WELL for THIS!”, “For the love of god!”, “Kill us now!”, etc.)
O’Neil: (Sweating and backing offstage.) ...The AllStars of Fanfiction
present: “A Rocky Horror Picture Show”!
(The house lights darken and the curtain rises, but the stage remains unlit.
You can clearly hear voices on stage, apparently the actors don’t realize how
far voices can carry in a quiet room, or someone’s left on the P.A...)
Canadibrit: (O/S) Oh. Yeah. Someone is going to die for this.
Wouter: (O/S) It’ll be all right on the night!
Morgan: (O/S) Uh, it is the night...
(Beat.) Well, late afternoon..?
(After a meaningful pause...)
Canadibrit: (O/S) Horribly.
Queen Jossie: (O/S) Why? You don’t look that
bad... (Squeaky “walking in leather” noises.)
(Desanera’s laugh is quickly cut off.)
Canadibrit: (O/S and pissed.) And
where the hell is Crazy?
Kemical Reaxion: (O/S) He’s coming,
keep your tights on.
Canadibrit: (O/S and not sounding happier.) Oh, ha, ha, most amusing.
(Pause.) Desanera, where’s a bloody knife?
Desanera: (O/S) More importantly, where’s Lew? This was his stupid idea in
the first place.
(Running footsteps.)
Crazy Nutso: (O/S) (Puff.) He’s. (Puff.) Coming. (Puff.) Hi guys. (Puff.)
But he had. (Puff.) To modify. (Puff.) His costume, it was. (Puff.) Too scary.
(Puff.) For highschool. (Sigh.)
Kemical Reaxion: (O/S) Well, was it?
Crazy Nutso: (O/S) Trust me, you don’t
want to know. (Slight pause.) Hey, Janet?
(O/S: <WHACK!>)
Crazy Nutso: (O/S) Ow, God! (Various
noises of pain.) It is your name,
isn’t it? Dammit~
(O/S: <WHACK!>)
(Some pathetic whimpers.)
Canadibrit: (O/S, flat and deadly.) Any
jokes and I kill.
(Beat.)
Morgan: (O/S, hushed.) She means it.
Queen Jossie: (O/S, same volume and tone.) I’m scared.
Kemical Reaxion: (O/S, slightly louder.) Me too, mommy.
Queen Jossie: (O/S, indignant.) Mommy!?
(Heavy “walking on wood with high-heels” footsteps.)
Lew: (O/S) Hey kids.
Desanera: (O/S and evil.) Daddy’s
home!
Lew: (O/S) Ha.
Yui: (O/S and faint.) And looking more like ‘mommy’ than ‘daddy’.
(Some chuckles.)
Morgan: (O/S) Far more like
‘mommy’ than Jossie.
Queen Jossie: (O/S) God yes. (Slight pause. Rather arch.) And it looks like mommy has a leather
fetish.
Kemical Reaxion: (O/S, after some “glug-glug” noises.) More like mommy with
a leather fetish after an acid binge.
Desanera: (O/S) So, Lew, was this before or after the bondage club?
(More than a few snickers from the audience.)
Wouter: (O/S) Uh, did anyone hear anything?
(There is a “microphone tapping” noise.)
Desanera: (O/S, very quiet.) Oh, crap...
Canadibrit: (O/S, quite loud.) THE P.A. IS ON?!?
Morgan: (O/S, quiet.) Uh, when were we supposed to start, anyway?
(Suddenly Kemical Reaxion is pushed out on stage, and the waiting spotlight
operator takes this as his cue to start things. The light stabs down to
illuminate Kemical, who cringes back and blinks furiously. The operator changes
his aim slightly so that she isn’t blinded, and the waiting crowd gets to see
her in the Rocky Horror glory.)
(First off, think of hair, lots of
hair. BIG hair, done up in the B52’s beehive style and colored by Ronald
McDonald in a brilliant red. Then we track down to see a lot of “frilly
French-Maid” meets “Mistress of Pain.” Her polished thigh boots mirror the
light, and there are a lot of frilly and glittery things all over. She blinks a
few more times, and jingles as she moves.)
Kemical Reaxion: Uh, hi?
Canadibrit: (O/S, hissed.) Music! Sing!
Kemical Reaxion: (Turning to face off stage, horrified.) But I haven’t drunk
enough! (Realizing that the audience can hear her.) Whoops...
(Music: Science Fiction/Double Feature: Richard O’Brien)
Remaining AllStars: (O/S backstage.) Sing!
(Kemical Reaxion squares her shoulders, turns, opens her mouth and...)
Kemical Reaxion:
...People think that we’re ill, when we write with such will
But it’s clear - they just don’t understand...
C.E Forman is there, with his genius to share
And we’ll do it, because we caaaan...
So what if it’s long? Our prose is still strong!
Our creativity is not just a shaaaam...
It’s our time to waste, all we
need is free space
And MTv, not to baaaaaaan-
(Swelling music as she takes a deep breath.)
Faaaan-Fictiiiiiion!
AllStars: (O/S) Woo, woo, woo...
Kemical Reaxion: (Loud and clear.) What will it feature?!
AllStars: (O/S, deeper.) Woo, woo,
woo...
Kemical Reaxion: Imagination is such a fickle
creaturrrrre!
AllStars: (O/S) Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Kemical Reaxion: (With a grin.) See ‘Mater’s flyiiing,
AllStars: (O/S, drawn out.) Whaa?
Kemical Reaxion: (Grinning evilly.) Over Crazy and Janet...
Canadibrit: (O/S, barely audible.) Kill
you...
Kemical Reaxion: (Ignoring Canadibrit’s threat.) While the cast, are, off
their plannnnet!
AllStars: (O/S, deep.) Huh, huh, huh?
Kemical Reaxion: Oh, Ah-ha, hahaaihohooo...
AllStars: (O/S, High.) What’s she onnnn?
Kemical Reaxion: (Shaking her finger at the AllStars O/S) What I don’t tell
you...you’re better off...not to know...
(Slight musical bridge and Kemical settles herself.)
Kemical Reaxion:
Some are really quite mild, some totally wild-
In a few, people are killed...
In Yui’s they got shot, and you ask, “so what?
“I’m not the guy getting drilllllled!”
Well you might be without taste, and flick by with great haste
And not take time to admire our skillllllls...
But when the cynic’s a bride, your
eyes open wide
And you receive some sort of vicarious thrill....
...Reading –
Faaan Fictiiiion
(Various O/S cast noises.)
– What will it feature?
Imagination is...such a...fickle
creaturrrrre!
See ‘Mater’s flyiiing with Morgan
and Janet...
Canadibrit: (O/S, quiet.) Still kill
you.
Kemical Reaxion: While the cast remain off their plannnnet! Oh, Ah-hahaaihooo...
(She waves her hands for attention.)
AllStars: What’s thaaaat?
Kemical Reaxion: ...Better listen up, or you won’t know...
AllStars: Ohhh?
Kemical Reaxion: Yes! you’d better listen up, or you simply...
...Won’t knooooooow.
(The stage falls dark and she runs madly for safety. Some scuffled noises
are heard, but no death-screams.)
(Cut to a shadowed Daria and Jane.)
Jane: You know, this isn’t so bad.
Daria: (Inquiring look.) What is it
about you (Meaningful pause.) and impending bloodshed?
Jane: (Shrugs.) Hey, I’ve got to get my thrills somehow. (Mostly to
herself.) I wonder if she was supposed to be Magenta?
Daria: (Incredulous.) You know the names?
(Jane hides her head in shame.)
(Cut back to the stage, where there are some bumps and crashes as
inexperienced stagehands do their best in near-total darkness. Light laughter
from audience, quickly cut off as the stage lights brighten to show an
eerily-familiar scene to many of the students. It is a debating-room crossed
with the more mundane elements of a pep-rally or similar celebration: emptied
bleachers, scattered streamers and ancient desks as accent pieces. Two figures
are seated - not very closely - together at a desk. The stage lights brighten a
little further, but two spots [spotlights, duh.] stabs out to show...)
Crazy Nutso: (Dressed like a 70’s taste reject, lots of polyester, loud wide tie...) Hey Janet?
Canadibrit: (In similar garb, through gritted teeth.) Brad?
Crazy Nutso: I was wondering...
Canadibrit: (Warningly.) Don’t make me mad...
Crazy Nutso: Oh, nothing. (Looks away.)
Canadibrit: Cad!
Crazy Nutso: (Turns to face her.) It’s just that...
<Music FX: Jazz hit.>
Crazy Nutso: ...I really...
<Music FX: Jazz hit.>
Crazy Nutso: ...Liked the...
<Music FX: Jazz hit.>
Crazy Nutso: ...Way that...
<Music FX: BIG Jazz hit.>
Canadibrit: (Quickly, and not in stage persona at all.) If I have to rhyme
with another “ad”, I will rip out your lungs and wear them as a beret.
<Music FX: A sick saxophone “gurgle.”>
Crazy Nutso: (Throwing up his hands.) Fine then, ignore our finely crafted
prose and resort to cheap graphic threats!
<FX: sort of a Whaa? from
offstage.>
AllStars: (O/S, acting as a sort of chorus.) Oh no!
(Canadibrit responds by kicking her chair across the stage (where is it was
deftly fielded by a nimble stagehand) and rolling up her sleeves.)
Canadibrit: (Ready to rumble.) Right
then, let’s go! (She stands for a few seconds and then clutches her head.) Oh,
dammit! Rhyme!
(Music: Dammit, Janet: Richard O’Brien. Canadibrit doesn’t look amused at
the first few bars, and she settles down into an intimidating scowl. Crazy
Nutso skips out of the way and begins to sing...)
Crazy Nutso: That’s right, Janet.
AllStars: (O/S) Janet.
Crazy Nutso: It’s not the way that I’d (He winces.) planned it.
AllStars: (O/S) Janet.
Crazy Nutso: This song’s not long, so let’s can it,
AllStars: (O/S) Janet.
Crazy Nutso: ‘Cause, dammit, Janet, I have to work with yoooou.
(Canadibrit grits her teeth and stalks closer to Crazy Nutso, but he manages
to keep the table in between them and in
tune!)
Crazy Nutso: This song? I don’t like the way we began it.
AllStars: (O/S) Janet.
Crazy Nutso: And while acting, I’ll probably ham it.
AllStars: (O/S) Janet.
Crazy Nutso: So could you put down that chair and not ram it?
AllStars: (O/S, alarmed.) Ram it!?
Crazy Nutso: Cause Dammit, Janet, I don’t know what to dooo..?
(Canadibrit puts down the chair.)
Crazy Nutso:
As you know I’m not much a joker...
...And we’ve all had our share of woe.
So, could you please not heat up that poker?
‘Cause J-A-N-E-T you scare me so-ooooo...
(Ditzy musical bridge as Canadibrit and Crazy Nutso chase each other around
the set, but Canadibrit starts to sing on cue...)
Canadibrit: Nutso, I’m not really crazy.
AllStars: Crazy.
Canadibrit: And my vision may be hazy, (Adjusts glasses.)
AllStars: Hazy.
Canadibrit: But when it comes to pain
I’m not lazy,
AllStars: Lazy.
Canadibrit: So I’m gonna kick the
living snot out of you-ooo. (She leaps over a desk and lines
him up in her sights.)
AllStars & Crazy Nutso: Dammit!
(As Canadibrit runs over for the kill, the stage falls into utter darkness
as a quick-thinking AllStar pulls the plug to that they can drag Canadibrit
away from Crazy Nutso. As the rest of the music plays merrily along, we hear
various yelps and cries of pain as her Doc Martins connect with people
“helping” Canadibrit away from possible sources of irritation. The audience
loves it, but judging by the expression on O’Neil’s face, this isn’t what he
expected.)
(Cut to Daria and Jane. Jane has her thumb up, roman arena style. Daria
gives her “the look.”)
Daria: (Slightly dry.) Channelling a past life? (Nods to the pose.)
Jane: (Making like she wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary.) Uhh, no. (Pause.) Perspective! (Points
her thumb in Daria’s direction and squints down it.) See?
Daria: No. (Waving Jane’s hand out of the way.) And careful where you put
that thing, I don’t know where it’s been. (Jane puts it away.) Now, honestly;
why are you enjoying this so much? I haven’t seen you go for much in the way of
“musicals”.
Jane: (Looking down in a “little girl” voice.) Honestly?
Daria: (A bit concerned.) Well, right now, I’m not so sure.
Jane: (Looking up, eyes in the darkness sort of shot.) It’s just that I’ve
always wanted to be “musically inclined”...
Daria: Like Trent?
Jane: (Reproachfully.) I said “musically”, Daria.
Daria: Sorry.
Jane: ...And the closest that I could come was singing along to my parent’s
collection of trashy records.
Daria: Oh. (Beat.) Sorry.
(This awkward moment is saved by the quick change of the stage set into
mysterious darkness, with a small light shining roughly halfway up the
backdrop. The stage lights increase in intensity and we see a badly-painted
background made to seem like there are lots of hills and things of mountainous
nature, and a vague house shape which has the light shining from it. Music:
Over At the Frankenstein Place: Richard O’Brien)
Queen Jossie: (Shrouded in shadow.) In the velvet darkness, of the blackest
night...There’s a guiding star...No
matter who or what you are...
Lew: (O/S, muttered.) I heard that.
Morgan & Wouter: (Also shrouded in darkness.) There’s a light...
The AllStars: (O/S) Over at the
fan-fiction place!
Morgan & Wouter: There’s a light...
The AllStars: (O/S) If only we had
some more disk space!
Morgan & Wouter:
There’s a light, in the darkness...of everybody’s...life.
(Musical Bridge, and the light seems to be getting bigger.)
Queen Jossie: I can see, people’s fever dreams...These illustrations,
nothing’s as it seems...A click on a banner, and away we fly...To people’s
genius...(Pause.) ...Well, at least they tried...In
the darkness...
Morgan & Wouter: We thought it’d be all right...
The AllStars: (O/S) Over at that
“outpost” place...
Morgan & Wouter: In the light...
The AllStars: (O/S) It’s the
Axe-wielder’s TM home base!
Morgan & Wouter: It’s a light, in the darkness, for everyone...
(Dramatic curtain close, and quite quickly we hear assorted bumps, bangs and
assorted curses as someone drops something heavy on an unprotected toe.)
Yui: (O/S) See, you should have worn steel-caps!
(Cut to Jodie and Mack, Mack trying hard to lose the sleeping form of Kevin
drooling on his shoulder. Brittany is asleep too, snoring gently.)
Mack: (Eyeing Kevin.) So, do think we can slip away? (Pause.) I can’t feel
my arm.
Jodie: (Looking around at her surrounds.) Sorry, I don’t think so.
Mack: Damn.
(Mack, not caring anymore, shakes Kevin off. The lump sways from side to
side, then falls forward on his face. He still doesn’t wake up. Jodie and Mack
look down at him.)
Jodie: Could he swallow his tongue?
Mack: (Bitterly.) I’m not that
lucky.
(Kevin’s snores get louder as his weight presses his face against the
carpet. Mack rubs his eyes tiredly.)
Jodie: (Take and pats Mack’s hand.) Look on the bright side.
Mack: What?
Jodie: They’re not making out, and Kevin isn’t
humming.
Mack: (Thinks for a second, then takes her other hand.) Thanks for finding
the silver lining.
(Their romantic moment is shattered by a huge crack of simulated lightning
and the rolling boom of fake thunder. Kevin and Brittany squeal and grab each
other. Jodie and Mack look at each other sadly.)
Mack: Damn.
Jodie: Damn.
(Down at the stage, and the curtain has risen to show a simulated car with
two familiar figures contained within...)
Wouter: (Obviously not up to speed with things, even though he was Crazy’s
understudy.[Curse you Morgan!]) Uhh, so, where are we...
Morgan: Going? Well, we’re going to see the man who began our (pauses for a
quick rethink.) “thing” when we met in his science class...
(As Morgan prattles on, doing an admirable job of blandly filling the gaping
plot holes, the camera pans upward to...)
Jane: The goatee is cool!
Daria: (With “the sideways glance at weirdness.”) Did I ever describe to you
the berries my family ate? And how crazy they went?
Jane: (Distracted, glances over.) Uh, yeah. Why?
Daria: I was just wondering if you’d been growing any in your backyard,
that’s all.
(Jane is interrupted from commenting by the loud <bang!> of a
cardboard type exploding onstage. Interestingly, it seems that there was too
much “Pyrotechnic compound” in the stage effect, which resulted in most of the
front rows being showered in burnt confetti. There are some recognizable
shrieks.)
Quinn: (O/S) Ewww! Errlgh! My hair!
Sandi: (O/S) How gross!
Stacy: (O/S) Oh NO! Sandi, Quinn, are you all right?!
(A few seconds pass.)
Tiffany: (O/S) Err, oh? Is
something wrong?
(Cut back to Daria, who is seen to relax back into the hard institutional
chair.)
Daria: Jane, I was wrong. (Beat.) This musical does have a lot going for it.
(Jane smirks.)
(Cut to Queen Jossie, who is trying to see around Kemical Reaxion and
Desanera while peeping through the curtain, backstage.)
Queen Jossie: Duck, will you?
(Desanera, who in a sense is pre-ducked, says nothing but moves her abundant hair to the side so that Queen
Jossie can see.)
Kemical Reaxion: (Amazed.) God, it looks like they’ve hit a land-mine!
Desanera: (With a dry sort of glee.) So, someone’s blown up the
welcome wagon. (Leading question.) Who set the charge?
(There is a pause as they meet each other’s gazes.)
All: (Resigned.) Lew.
(Cut to the centre stage now, where Morgan and Wouter have got out of the
“car” to check their “flat”. They stare a little at where the wheel was; now
there is nothing left but a hole that has taken almost a quarter off of the
entire car “body”. It’s still smouldering gently.)
Morgan: (Perfectly deadpan.) Ok.
Wouter: (Deadpan also.) We’ve got a flat.
Morgan: (Not cracking a smile.) Yes.
(More black and charred cardboard falls off the body of the car. Some of the
audience laugh.)
Wouter: (Nary a twitch.) You know, if we still had a rear axle, we could use
the spare in the trunk.
(More audience laughter.)
Morgan: (Still deadpan.) Yeah.
(Beat.)
Wouter: (Not going to laugh
onstage.) Right.
Morgan: Uh-huh.
(They stare a little more at the car, each waiting for the other to crack
up. More audience laughter.)
Wouter: (Moving things along.) Well, I suppose we could go for help at that
dark and ominous house up there. (He points offstage.)
Morgan: (She looks in the direction indicated.) Mmm. Good idea.
Wouter: Cool.
(Morgan gives in and snickers as they walk off stage left, leaving the “car”
behind. The curtain falls, but quickly reveals...)
(Stage: A dark and sinister door is set in front of a backdrop curtain [A
secondary curtain, commonly used to conceal set edges. Most stage setups have
multiples of these.] Wouter and Morgan are standing in front of the dark wooden
door. Badly-carved plaster gargoyles are nailed to the doorframe and the metal
doorknocker looks like it’ll fall off if someone sneezes at it.)
Morgan: (Obviously continuing a conversation.) ...Anyway, I’m coming in with
you. You might find that the owner of the house is a beautiful woman...(They eye
the door a bit more.)
Wouter: (Dry.) And how likely does that
sound?
Morgan: Not very, I admit.
(They rap a little at the door, knuckles making not much of an impression.
Wouter grabs the door-knocker and gives it a rap. As the door mysteriously
opens, the secondary curtain draws back to make like the space behind the open
door is a sort of foyer. Another curtain is behind the first, enclosing a small
space that holds...)
Queen Jossie: Yeeeasss? Can I help
you?
(It’s our Queen as we’ve never seen her, WHITE face, latex skull-cap, long
bedraggled hair, fake hunchback and dressed in a dusty tux. She waves them
inside. As Wouter and Morgan walk forward, the first curtain pulls away
completely, leaving only the freestanding frame and door to show the “Entrance”
of the house.)
Wouter: Uhh, hi.
Morgan: Could we use you phone? Our car’s...
Wouter: Broke.
Morgan: (Having fun.) Lots.
Queen Jossie: (Turning and hobbling slowly towards the rear of the second
“room”.) Oh dear, I hope it’s not serious?
(Cut to Daria and Jane.)
Jane: Nothing else has been.
(Back to the stage.)
Wouter: Uh, it is, kind of.
Morgan: (Bright/chirpy.) All fall down, go boom!
Queen Jossie: (As Riff-Raff, if you haven’t guessed yet.) It’s just that the
Master is having one of his (Pause
for an arch wink.) “affairs” tonight.
It’s rather...(Horrid licking of lips.)...special.
Morgan: (Rather grossed out buy Queen Jossie’s acting ability.) Uh, that’s
nice.
Wouter: (Dry.) Lucky him.
(Morgan punches Wouter. But a spot stabs out to reveal in the shadows...)
Desanera: He’s, lucky, I’m lucky, we’re all lucky! (Big evil cackle.)
(Along stalks Desanera, dressed rather fetchingly in a frilly maid’s outfit
that doesn’t seem to have much in the way of a front to it. Her hair is huge
and the same hue as her name. It’s also teased, frizzled and growing more
sideways than up. A little cap is perched unsteadily on top of the huge mass of
hair and her thigh-high boots scream “danger!”)
Queen Jossie: (Dry, waves an arm as introduction.) Please, meet my sister,
Magenta.
Desanera: (With a curtsy that shows off a lot of her “assets” to the
audience.) It’s my pleasure, let me assure
you...
(Cut to offstage, where Lew and Yui are waiting. Yui is obviously the light
and sound guy, mainly because he’s the one with the cup of coffee steaming away
gently. Lew is obviously Lew. Vague description: lots of earrings, well over 6
feet tall, hair and eyes tend to change daily. The Author is dressed in a large
black cloak with a very high collar. Since Lew isn’t the shortest of people,
this makes him look like a big black wall next to Yui. Yui leans over to
whisper into Lew’s heavily be-ringed ear.)
Yui: How’d you get her to agree to Magenta? And more importantly, how did you get her into the costume?
Lew: (Turning his head, but still mostly in shadow.) Easy, I gave her the
choice of playing Magenta...or playing Rocky. (Mostly to himself.) That, and a
lot of lubrication.
Yui: (Winces and leans back) You’re a sick
man, Lew.
Lew: (Wry.) Tell me. Then I had to
convince Crazy to get oiled up for Rocky...
Yui: Ick! (Cringes away from that mental
image.) I really don’t want to know
how you managed to do that!
Lew: I threatened to release Canadibrit if he didn’t.
(The shot pans along to Canadibrit strapped upright in one of those nifty
“Hannibal Lecter” outfits, including straightjacket and mask. The wheeled
gantry that she’s tied to rocks gently as she tries to free herself.)
Yui: (With more than a trace of horror.) You’re not sick, you’re suicidal.
Lew: (Evil grin.) I’m not dead yet!
Canadibrit: (Voice-over.) You will be,
four seconds after I get out of this
thing!
(She rocks some more. Lew and Yui look on.)
Yui: So...why does the school have one of those things, anyway?
Lew: Honestly Yui, somethings are better off unknown.
Yui: Riiiight.
(Beat while we watch Yui’s coffee steams away gently.)
Lew: (Conversationally, to Canadibrit.) If you knew how much you looked like
R2-D2 rocking like that, you’d stop.
(Canadibrit pauses for a moment in shock, then the gantry starts to rock
more violently.)
Yui: (Backing away.) You do enjoy
living life on the edge!
(Suddenly, there is a huge crack of lightning, and an enormous roar of
thunder...)
(Music starts, but do you want to guess what it is?)
Lew: (Yelling as the first and instantly-recognizable bars of “The Timewarp”
begin.) Dammit Yui! Not Yet!
Yui: (Coffee forgotten, checking out the sound system.) It’s not me! Wow!
(Sounding a lot like Nick.) This thing is all melty!
(He pulls back and we see the sound-controller is nothing more than toasted
plastic and metal.)
Lew Melty? (Not thrilled.) Ok,
What the F*&K is going on here?!?
Yui: F*&k?
Lew: (Shrugging shoulders.) Moderated board, you know how it is.
Yui: Oh.
(On stage, people are caught out of cue when the music starts. Cue instant
pandemonium. Yui runs onstage to collect and herd the sudden mass of stagehands
into their proper places. Desanera looks more than slightly annoyed at some
freak accident ruining her big entrance and the rest of the cast looks blankly
surprised.)
Morgan: (Annoyed.) Dammit! When are we going to follow the script!?
Desanera: (Amazed.) We have a script?
(Cut to...)
Jane: (Turning to converse.) They have a script?
(Daria shrugs.)
(Back to the stage...)
Wouter: (Loud, to be heard over the sound of the stage sets being rearranged
around them.) Uhh, shouldn’t we be trying to get out of here?
Morgan: Love to! But we’ve got a show to do!
Wouter: I was meaning that!
(He points at a brilliant spot of light in the middle of the working stage
floor that flares in time with the music.)
Music: It’s astounding...
Morgan: Don’t worry, it’s probably one of the effects!
Music: Time is fleeting...
Wouter: That’s what I’m worried about!
Music: Madness...takes control...
(Cut to Daria.)
Daria: Too late for that.
(Back to the stage.)
(We see the look of understanding and horror on Morgan’s face.)
Music: So listen closely...
Desanera: (Freaked by the swelling ball of light.) Not for very much longer!
(Does a “duck and cover”.)
Music: I’ve...got... to...
Lew: (Bellowing out from O/S.) Take cover!
<FX: Kabooooom!>
(This time the explosion is huuuuge, with lots of multicoloured lights and
pretty smoke...)
(Up again to Jane, but we can’t hear any music...)
Jane: (Slitted eyes against the light flash.) Great effects!
Daria: (Also shielding her face.) Pity they spent their slush fund on
flash-bombs instead of a script-writer!
Jane: (Enjoying the show.) It works for them!
(On stage again...)
Queen Jossie: (Waving smoke away, the stage is covered in it.) Anyone alive?
Desanera: (Rolls into view with a lot of plaster gargoyle dust on her.) Lew won’t be.
Morgan: (Staggering upright.) Anyone to second that motion?
Yui: (Lying on his face and covered in coffee.) Aye. (Rolls over to discover
the visage of some horrible demon leaning over him.) Yaaaah!
Lew: (Tired.) Shut up, I’ve just fallen over and smeared my makeup with your
dammed coffee. (Gives Yui a hand up.)
Desanera: (Coming over with blood in her eye and plaster in hair.) How can
you tell?
Lew: (With massive “Panda-eyes”) I’ve worn enough mascara to know how it’s
supposed to go.
Queen Jossie: (Trying in vain to rearrange her hunch.) I really don’t like the sounds of that...
(She gives it up as a lost cause and throws it to the ground in disgust.)
Wouter: (Weakly.) Owwww.
Queen Jossie: Sorry! Sorry!
(They go over and help up Wouter, Morgan foremost.)
Morgan: (To Lew.) So, do you have anything to say before we pass judgement
on you? (Menaces Lew with her fist, a rather pathetic gesture considering that
Lew is 6’2 and Morgan is...shorter. And without a crossbow.)
Lew: (Now looking like the cover to “Adore” by the Smashing Pumpkins.) Yeah,
I didn’t do it and who the hell is
that?!
(The cast all turn in Lew’s indicated direction. Standing in a rather drab
pair of overalls is a strange figure; dark of hair, manic of eye and with quite
lovely makeup.)
Frank-N-Furter: How do you do? Frank-N-Furter’s the name. My game...(Eyes Lew
appreciatively.)...Well, I think you might
like to play. The rest...(Makes a dismissive gesture.)...is meaningless!
Queen Jossie: (Puzzled, to Desanera.) I thought Lew was supposed to play Frank-N-Furter?
Desanera: (Nodding.) He certainly agreed to it fast enough...
Wouter: (Rubbing his back.) Ooh,
it makes you wonder...
Morgan: (Absently.) But it’s easy if you try.
(Frank-N-Furter is forgotten for a few seconds as the rest of the cast stare
at Wouter and Morgan.)
Kemical Reaxion: (Staggering in off the wings.) If anyone else wants to sing
“Imagine”, I’ll be throwing up in the back. (Staggers off again.)
Lew: (Deciding to take charge before ALL plot is lost.) Ok, uh-huh, right.
(Absently looks out into the audience.) Oh...no curtain?
(The cast and Frank-N-Furter all turn from their little introspective moment
to gaze with dread at the LHS audience.)
(Cut to...)
Jane: (Looking at her watch.) See, less than 2 minutes. You owe me $10.
Daria: (Handing the note over.) I thought they’d forget us for at least that.
Jane: Come on, not even your sister is that
self absorbed.
(Daria just looks at Jane. Jane thinks for a few moments, then shrugs.)
(Back again to...)
Lew: Right. (Gently, aside.) Curtain?
(Yui staggers off to the side of the stage.)
Lew: (Rub his weary brow.) Now then, who
are you, and more importantly, where did you get that blush? (Desanera hits Lew
with Queen Jossie’s discarded hump.)
Frank-N-Furter: (Watching with interest as Desanera winds up for another
go.) As I said, Frank-N-Furter. Mad Scientist, extrovert, genius and the most
recent escapee from the supposedly inescapable
She-Devil’s Island, Transsexual Transylvania’s most secure and (He sighs.) notorious prison. (Beat.) And the blush
was just something I had lying around.
(There is a conversational pause with the pan shot of the dust-covered cast.
In the background Lew can be seen running from Desanera.)
Wouter: Okaaay.
Morgan: Is anyone else’s “weird-o-meter” scoring high right about now?
(The curtain drops.)
(Back again to...)
Jane: (Arms crossed.) Aww, no fair!
(Backstage...)
Frank-N-Furter: I’m sorry to meet and run, but you know how it is, people to
conquer, worlds to dominate...(He reaches into his coveralls.)
Yui: (O/S) GUN!
(Instant pandemonium, all carefully played out in slow-motion...)
(Wouter jumping to cover Morgan.)
(Yui leaping for Frank-N-Furter, but falling over a line [That’s the proper
name for a rope, landlubbers.] on the way...)
(...Which brings the rest of the curtain down on Queen Jossie.)
(Lew running backwards onto the stage from Desanera, straight into
Frank-N-Furter...)
(...Which makes him fumble something and drop it...)
(...Into the path of Lew’s foot as he accidentally kicks it at Desanera.)
Frank-N-Furter: (Slow-motion speech effect.) Nooooooooo...
(It hits Desanera in the head.)
Desanera: (Slow-motion speech effect.) Owwwwwwww...
(And activates, unleashing a brilliant pink beam into Lew, blowing him into
the rest of the stage scenery.)
(Resume normal motion.)
Frank-N-Furter: (Stamps a foot in rage.) Damn! (Pulls out something vaguely
gun-shaped and waves it at the restive Lawndale High Audience, revealed by the
fallen curtain.) Well then, if that’s the way you want to play it...
(We see...)
Daria: (Urgently to Jane.) Quick, get down!
(Jane’s hand pulls Daria down between the seats.)
Jane: (O/S) There already!
(Then back again to...)
Frank-N-Furter: Have a super day...(And
with that, he unleashes a torrent of mauve light over the shocked Lawndale High
audience.)
Quinn: (O/S) Ewww! Mauve!
(Frank-N-Furter spins over to concentrate on where he heard the voice.)
Sandii: (O/S, faint yet disgusted.) Good
one, Quinn. Ohhh....
(We see Frank-N-Furter’s face lit evilly by the colour, then fade back to
normal as he shuts his terrible device off.)
Frank-N-Furter: (Looking satisfied with his work.) My, you do look lovely,
don’t you? (He spots the exit sign.) Taa-taa all!
(And with that he’s off, exit stage right.)
(Heard are various groans and moans from the audience, but these quickly die
down. On stage, Queen Jossie finally shrugs off the enveloping curtain and
trips over Yui.)
Yui: Ow. (As Queen Jossie helps
him up.) Anyone else want a go at falling over me?
Morgan: (As she pushes Wouter off her.) No, had my share.
Wouter: Sorry.
(They get up, again.)
Desanera: (Coming over and rubbing her forehead.) No words of thanks for the
brave hero? (Blank looks from the rest of the cast.) Never mind. (A thought
hits her. Suddenly worried.) Damn, where’s Lew?
Queen Jossie: (Tired of it all.) Why, does he owe you money?
Desanera: (Has to grin at this.) Heh.
Lew: (O/S, weak.) Ok, that sure
was a whole heap of fun.
(He falls out of a hole made through the stacked stage scenes. Oddly enough,
there is no immediate rush to ensure his safety.)
Lew: (On his back, looking at the ruined sets.) I think we should have saved
our money and simply gone for the whole minimalist look, I’m thinking a chair,
maybe two.
(He’s steaming gently.)
Desanera: (Looking out, distracted tone.) Well, they did sort of cushion you
and stop you from becoming a 200-pound hamburger patty.
Lew: (Rolling to his side, weakly.) Yeah, that’s me. Beefcake, beefcake...
Morgan: (Looking where Desanera is, same tone.) Uh, is everyone seeing what I’m seeing?
Lew: (Weary and sarcastic.) Unless it involves a vision Bill Gates offering
to make me his sole heir, I really don’t want to know. I hurt too much.
Wouter: Whoa...
Kemical Reaxion: (Staggering in again.) For the love of whatever you hold
holy, could Lew please get Crazy to put his shirt on for...what the hell happened
here?
(Pan shot of the audience, all sitting still in their 70’s tuxes. Frilly
shirtfronts, bright cummerbunds and Roy Orberson dark sunglasses, it’s the
Transylvanian conventioneers, or a multitude thereof.)
Morgan: Okaaay. (Pauses.) I seem to be saying that a lot.
Kemical Reaxion: (Blankly amazed.) When did we afford a supporting cast?
Desanera: (Making the connection.) Uhh, it’s our audience. (Beat.) I think.
Kemical Reaxion: (Blinks.) That’s a pretty fast costume change. (Scepticism
hits.) No really, what happened?
Lew: (O/S, weakly.) Frank-N-Furter escaped from a Transylvanian prison and
zapped them all with some sort of magenta haze thingy.
Yui, Wouter & Morgan: Mauve.
Lew: Whatever.
Kemical Reaxion: (Looking over to where Lew is lying.) Mauve haze? I’d say
you’ve been drinking, but I know I finished off the last bottle 5 minutes ago...
Lew: (Suddenly worried.) It wasn’t marked “Do NOT Drink”?
Kemical Reaxion: Yeah, like I’d drink something with your handwriting on it.
It’d probably make me grow an extra leg or something.
Desanera: (Sotto.) Or something.
Lew: I heard that. (Annoyed.) Could I please have a hand up? If it’s not too
much effort?
(Desanera reaches over and goes to grab Lew, but her own dainty hand passes
through like it were a trick of the light.)
Desanera: WHAT THE F...?!
Lew: (Over Desanera’s exclamation.) That’s not good. (Pokes his finger through a wall, then
follows with his entire arm.) Hmm, right. (Very calm.) Anyone, find what the
hell that mascara’ed freak zapped me with and see if it has a “reverse” button
on it?
Yui: (Holding something in his hand.) Right here.
(Zoom into a closeup of what Yui has. It looks like a rainbow version of
Cupid’s “Love Tazer” with a few other little knobs on it. Yui’s thumb clicks
down the one with “reverse” written on it in really big and easy to read
print.)
Lew: (Waving a hand weakly.) Any good news?
(Thumb-cam again, and Yui’s finger caresses a trigger.)
(A bright blue light blows Lew into the stage scenery.)
(Again.)
Yui: (Looking a bit surprised.) Wooo. My mistake.
(There is a few seconds of silence, then...)
Lew: (O/S, from another smoking hole.) I’d like to inform everyone out there
that I am now certain that this was all a really bad idea. (Beat.) And that I
am still in pain.
(The more sympathetic cast help a now-solid Lew out of the hole. The more
inquisitive crowd around Yui.)
Morgan: So, are there any instructions?
Kemical Reaxion: (Freaked and looking out at the audience.) Yeah, like how
to turn these couch potatoes back into the pod-people they once were? (Snaps
her fingers a few times.) Hello? Helloooo? (Disgusted.) It’s like I’m back in
high school.
(There are various groans at this.)
Kemical Reaxion: (Looking back.) Hey! Just because I’m worried about
possible legal action...(She stares hard at the audience and clicks her fingers a
few more times.)
Queen Jossie: You look like David Copperfield. (She sits down on a handy
chunk of stage debris.)
Wouter: (Looking the strange device over.) No hints on use?
Yui: (Very dry.) I’m sorry, there doesn’t seem to be a compliance plate,
either.
Wouter: I suppose I asked for that one.
Yui: It was pretty obvious.
Morgan: (Coming over.) Ok, enough with the discussion. How about we try it
out on something?
Lew: (O/S, and quite loudly from behind stage debris that make a handy bomb
shelter/wall) That’s the sort of idea that dunking stools and stakes are for.
Why don’t you do something safer and juggle nitroglycerine? I’ll watch from a distance.
Desanera: (Still trying to beat plaster dust out of velvet.) I’ll sell tickets.
Morgan: (Pitching her voice to carry.) It was only an idea!
Lew: (O/S) From the messages that my body is sending me, I can tell you that it’s a very bad one.
Yui: (Holding the device so that people can have a look at it, but hopefully won’t end up blown through a wall, again.) Does anyone else have any idea?
Kemical Reaxion: (Still clicking.) Not from this sector of the universe.
Lew: (O/S) Well, could you please move whatever “it” is away from Morgan? I’m still spooked by her earlier suggestion.
(Morgan snorts.)
Yui: Hell, I don’t believe it. (He’s got the device upside-down.)
Everyone: What?
Yui: It does have a compliance-plate! (Looks up.) Sorry Wouter.
(Wouter shrugs.)
Yui: (Reading out some small print.) “In case of emergency, do not use.” Gee, that’s obvious, but there’s something else.
Most: What?
Yui: (Obviously squinting.) It’s in very small type: “Users must be trained before operation.”
All: Duh.
Yui: And...(Figuring out the words.) “Do not invert.” (Looks at the upside-down device.)
(So do a lot of other people.)
(It’s starting to glow again.)
Lew (O/S, into the sudden silence.) Yui, tell me you’ve got it right-way up...
Yui: (Carefully laying the device on the floor and backing away, alone with everyone else.) Ahh, it is...now.
Lew: (O/S) Now...what do you mean...now?!
(An explosion of rainbow light bursts from the “front” of the device, well away from anybody...but in the direct path of a piece of broken mirror...)
(...which directs the beam into the overhead mirrorball.)
Lew: (O/S, after being transfixed by beams of glorious colour, like everyone else...) I am not happy!
(The device explodes again, this time into fragments that shimmer and disappear within seconds.)
(A few seconds pass.)
Lew: (Staggering out from the useless protection, kicking it as he passes by.) If I ever have another idea like this...(He stops, looking at his apparently-unchanged fellows.) ...hit me, would you? Hello?
Desanera: (Shaking off the effects, then clutching her head.) Owww, dammit. (Sits where she stood.) Wooo, it feels like someone opened my head and stirred what’s inside.
Lew: There’s a scary thought. (Sits down also.)
(As people are wake up from the beam, everyone wants to rest a while to shake off the effects.)
Yui: (Wincing.) So, how is everyone?
Lew: (Nastily.) No additional limbs?
Kemical Reaxion: (Rubbing head.) Not funny.
Lew: It wasn’t meant to be.
Morgan: I’m ok.
(Various other “Me too” noises.)
Queen Jossie: So, what now?
Lew: (Dry.) And does anyone else have the urge to go green and tear through walls like they were paper?
(Instant movement away from Lew.)
Lew: A joke.
Desanera: (Not amused.) You read too many comic books, you know that?
Lew: Among other things. (He looks at his hands.) That’s weird.
Desanera: (Nastily.) You’re growing something?
Lew: (Waves it away.) Nah, I just don’t remember putting on nail-polish, that’s all. (Shakes his head.) Ahh, is it just me, or is it stuffy in here? (Works at the neck of the bedraggled cape, then his eyes go very wide.) Oh...
(He falls over on his side in a faint.)
Morgan: Now what? Is he playing with us again?
Kemical Reaxion: (Closes her eyes.) A thought guaranteed to scar me for life...
(Desanera, due more to her proximity than any medical training, reaches over to get a pulse. After a few seconds, she stops. People look at her.)
Yui: What?
Desanera: Uhhh, no pulse. (Expression of shock.)
Morgan: You’re joking, right?
Desanera: (Ear close to his chest, not yet brave enough to see what’s under the cloak.) Does it look like I’m joking?
Lew: Argh. (Opens his eyes.) What the hell happened then?
Desanera: (Leaping backwards, scrabbling for purchase.) Yarrragh!
Lew: (Recoiling from Desanera.) Gah! What’s wrong?!
Desanera: You! (Holds up some wood off the floor into a makeshift crucifix.)
Lew: (Looking at Desanera, more than slightly worried.) Okay, could you please tell me what happened?
Yui: Uhh, Desanera said you were...dead.
(Everyone looks at Desanera, still brandishing said crucifix.)
Lew: Right. Ok. (Feels wrist with a smile.) See, pulse...(Smile fades quickly, but not as quickly as he feels his other arm, then his neck. He goes white.)
(Balmo, instant crucifix squad from the rest of the cast, lots of wood being waved.)
Lew: (Very worried.) Could everyone please keep calm for a moment? (Carefully checks both wrists, and then his neck again.) Okay, what happened?
Morgan: Uhh, you were fine, then you fainted. (Beat.) And died.
Lew: Will you not say that! (Looks at all the crosses.) And could you not wave those things about, I’m not dead.
Desanera: So your lack of a pulse means..?
Lew: How in hell do I know!?
Yui: It’s life Jim, but not as we know it.
Lew: (Above the groans.) Oh, god, Yui!
Desanera: (To Yui.) That didn’t help. (To Lew.) You don’t feel any bloodlust, eldritch forces or other strange desires stirring within you?
(Lew doesn’t have to say anything, his expression speaks volumes.)
(Obscene ones.)
Desanera: Okay, okay. (Pauses as a nasty thought hits her.) Is everyone else all right?
(Unanimous on heartbeats, with one exception.)
Lew: (Not sounding happy.) Anyone? (Looks at some still-held wood.) And would you please put that stuff down.
Desanera: Make a crucifix first. (Disgusted, Lew does so. Nothing happens.) Right, so you’re probably not a vampire. Now what?
Lew: Something that doesn’t involve salt being sewn in my mouth, stakes or me being beheaded?
Queen Jossie: You’re being remarkably calm!
Lew: (Looking at her.) I’m screaming on the inside.
Wouter: Uh-oh.
Lew: That is not a good thing to hear.
(Instant shift from Wouter.)
Morgan: What?!
Wouter: (With a glance at Lew.) I’m still alive...but something very weird just happened...
Lew: (More sarcastic than you’d ever imagine.) Come on, surprise me.
Morgan: When did you put on makeup?
(Wouter scrubs at a cheek and a lot of Goth-white make-up comes off.)
Wouter: (Shocked.) I didn’t!
Lew: Hell, I can see it from here.
Wouter: (Sounding very worried.) Well, I sure as hell didn’t put this on!
(He rolls up one of the legs of the casual pant he has on, revealing a nice pair of high-heels and some fishnet stockings.)
Morgan: (Shivers.) Whoa! Ick!
Desanera: Now what?! (Shivers suddenly also.) Eep!
(Everyone looks at Desanera.)
Desanera: (Defensive.) What?! It felt like a few thousand spiders running over my skin! (Amazed expression.) Whoa!
(Similar noises from the rest of the cast, leaving Yui dumbfounded.)
Yui: What?
Desanera: (Taking a peep down her front.) Ahh, something very, very strange just happened. I’m wearing stuff that I don’t remember putting on. (Beat.) Or ever having to start with.
Queen Jossie: You’re worried?
(She turns and they can all see the hunchback is back with a vengence. She rips off her skull-cap to find hair starting to drift off her scalp...)
Lew: Not good.
Kemical Reaxion: (Looking at the hump on Jossie’s back.) Then what in hell am I sitting on? (Looks, it’s still a fake hump.)
Lew: Oh, god.
All: What?!
Lew: Do I have to spell it out?
Crazy-Nutso: (From off-stage.) Hey everyone, does anyone know what just happened? One minute I was getting oiled up and the next...
(He strides on.)
Crazy-Nutso: ...This! (Looks at the freak-show before him.) What happened here? And what happened to the crowd?
Lew: (Looking at a wall of bronzed and gleaming muscle, which is now Crazy’s chest.) Uhh, we’re the show...
Crazy-Nutso: (Duh expression.) I know that.
Desanera: No, he means that we are the show, the Rocky-Horror Picture Show. (Pause.) Or the trademarked characters thereof.
Queen Jossie: This...SUCKS. (Premature balding has hit, hard. Scalp is showing.)
Lew: (Still looking for personal signs of life.) You’re telling me?
Crazy-Nutso: Uhh, are you guys joking? Or did I drink something of Lew’s that I shouldn’t have?
Queen Jossie: (Grabs Crazy-Nutso by his perfect pecs and drags him close.) Something weird happened...Frank-N-Furter, the REAL ONE escaped from...wherever...and we were zapped by some sort of raygun...and I’ve now got a receding hairline and a back only a camel could love, all right?!
(Morgan gently removes Queen Jossie from Crazy-Nutso and seats her on some handy debris.)
Queen Jossie: Why couldn’t we do “Annie”, oh no, Lew said that...(Mutters.)
Morgan: (Coming close to Crazy-Nutso.) So, was it strange, having a chest like that..? (Goes to trail a finger along the gleaming muscles and stops, shocked.) GAH! (Shivers in revulsion and makes “dry-washing” motions with her hands.)
Lew: (Thinking it through.) Figured it out?
Morgan: (Feeling defiled.) I need a shower. (Shivers again.)
Desanera: Uhhh, what’s wrong? (Makes the connection.) Oh, CRAP.
Lew: People! (He makes a “Friends, Romans, Countrymen” motion with his hands, then stops and looks, disgusted.) We’ve got another problem...as Morgan just found out.
Morgan: (Not amused.) God, I’ll just go hang a sign around my neck, shall I?
Lew: We’ve not just got the appearance of the Rocky-Horror characters...
(There is silence...when various inner urges are listened to, and rejected.)
(Universal shivers.)
Morgan: Ick.
(More urges are heard and rejected.)
Lew: Hell, what do you have to worry about?
(Everyone remembers, then looks at Lew, very warily.)
Lew: (Iron control.) Ok, we keep calm and try not to do anything...in character. (Pauses.) And maybe I won’t have to chain myself to a wall.
(Morgan and Wouter look very worried.)
Morgan: Lew, no offence but...ICK.
Wouter: Me too, man.
Lew: (Feeling the love..) I’m not exactly enjoying this, either.
Crazy-Nutso: (Realising what he means.) I’ll go put on a shirt, shall I? (Runs off-stage.)
Lew: (With a deep sigh.) Okay, suggestions, please?
Yui: We find that Frank-N-Furter guy, or failing that, get you all some massive therapy?
Kemical Reaxion: Sound good. (Giggles then stops herself with an expression of horror.)
Lew: (To Kemical Reaxion.) Welcome to my world. (Looks at the crew.) I suppose I’d better find Canadibrit and tell her the good news.
Desanera: (Looking behind him, sick.) Too late.
(Everyone turns to see something that goes a few orders of magnitude beyond “disturbing”. Crazy-Nutso is leading a beaming Canadibrit by the hand out on stage. She’d dressed in something innocent and flowery, and has a fixed expression of good-will to all men.)
(Universal movement away from her.)
Lew: (Wary.) Hell, that scares even me. (Raises his voice.) Janet?
Candibrit: (Sunnily.) Yes Lew?
Lew: (To the others.) I not sure about you guys, but this is plain wrong. (To Canadibrit.) Ok, did Crazy explain what happened to us all?
Canadibrit: Yes, he did. Does anyone have time for some cookies? I think I could whip up a batch in a little?
Kemical Reaxion: (Aside to Queen Jossie.) This isn’t wrong, it’s sick.
Lew: Okay, if you want to make some cookies, go right ahead. (Looks to Crazy-Nutso, shivers and turns away.) Crazy, could you please keep an eye on her? And yourself away from me?
Crazy-Nutso: (Understanding immediately.) Right, Canadibrit, want to find an oven?
(Canadibrit claps her hands together in glee.)
Canadibrit: Brownies for everyone, I promise!
(The silence after Canadibrit’s appearance is thick.)
Lew: (Striking an imperious pose, which he discards as soon as her realizes what he’s doing.) Okay, I’m assuming that if we don’t change back to our normal selves, this won’t wear off...and I for one don’t want that to happen.